The Onion

Lana Del Rey, Husband Celebrate Anniversary At Gas Station Subway DES ALLEMANDS, LA—Holding hands and giggling as they talked the part-time fast food worker through their sandwich order, singer-songwriter Lana Del Rey and swamp tour boat captain Jeremy Dufrene reportedly celebrated their wedding anniversary Saturday at a gas station Subway restaurant. “Lana swooned after [Dufrene] told her she co…

Kash Patel Phished By Scammer Posing As Kash Patel WASHINGTON—Despite carefully checking and double-checking the credentials of the man who reached out to him via email, FBI director Kash Patel was reportedly phished Friday by a scammer posing as FBI director Kash Patel. “First of all, he’s got my face as his profile picture, so that right there gave me a high degree of confidence, because I […] …

FBI Hack Exposes Thousands Of Employee Records A cybercriminal collective known as ShinyHunters claims to have breached the FBI’s online job portal and stolen more than 2 terabytes of employee personnel records. What do you think? The post FBI Hack Exposes Thousands Of Employee Records appeared first on The Onion .

Baseball Analysts Call For New Stat Called B.L.E.P.H. NEW YORK—Stressing that the sport’s existing suite of advanced metrics was no longer sufficient to satisfy their hunger for increasingly granular data, baseball analysts from across the country called Wednesday for the creation of a new statistic called B.L.E.P.H. “We don’t care what it measures or how it’s calculated—we just need something ca…

The Paramount–Warner Bros. Merger By The Numbers Despite a slew of setbacks, Paramount cleared the last major hurdle in its proposed acquisition of Warner Bros. when it reached an agreement to resolve an antitrust lawsuit brought forth by a dozen states. The Onion breaks down the key facts and figures behind the historic deal to create a media behemoth. 3 Antitrust laws […] The post The Paramount…

Shy, Bookish Umpire Actually Really Beautiful When He Takes Mask Off The post Shy, Bookish Umpire Actually Really Beautiful When He Takes Mask Off appeared first on The Onion .

California DMV Adds Highway Chase To Road Test SACRAMENTO, CA—Saying the newly instituted changes better reflected the realities of modern driving, officials at the California Department of Motor Vehicles announced Friday that they had added a highway chase to the state’s standard road test. “Test-takers will be expected to safely merge onto the highway and then successfully weave their getaway v…

10 Players To Watch This NFL Season From breakout stars to aging veterans, these are the players most likely to define the 2026 NFL season.  Aidan Hutchinson, Lions defensive end: After signing a four-year extension worth $180 million last season, Hutchinson should finally be able to afford enough eye black for both sides of his face. A.J. Brown, Patriots wide receiver: Brown […] The post 10 Play…

Last Peach Of Summer Quietly Molds Over On Counter The post Last Peach Of Summer Quietly Molds Over On Counter appeared first on The Onion .

Princess Diana Releases Bombshell Memoir LONDON—In a damning memoir filled with explosive claims about her brutal treatment by the House of Windsor, Diana, the former Princess of Wales, has at long last given the public a firsthand account of her disturbing experiences living with the British royal family. “So many unfounded rumors have been circulating about me and my relationship […] The post P…